Saving Marriage

 My marriage is in a rough patch right now and I stumbled upon this video tonight. I think God is trying to speak to me since I am not going to Him.

50 lbs of Sadness

I have gained 50 lbs since I got married. I want to say that the first 6 months was happy weight. But all the rest... Sad weight. Since I have been married... from friends to family to co workers 50+ babies have been born. I figure I have gained 1 lb for every pregnancy announcement. Because each time this happens I feel sorry for myself, binge on junk food, decided... why exercise? And well... viola! Another pound heavier, another pound of sadness on my shoulders.... hips... thighs... face...

I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, and I know I am not being fair to anyone that has children. I painfully envy women who can get pregnant, and I want to scream at the next person that tells me "they'll come when they are ready, when its time..." That's the biggest amount of bulls#!* I have ever heard. If that's the case then why is there such a think as IVF, adoption, surrogacy? You think it was about timing for them? No, because time was there enemy they had to take control of their future.

I know I have been really negative lately, but I feel this is the only place I can, the only place I am allowed to be negative. I can't talk to anyone without being judged, or me judging myself for having nothing good to say.

This is my life right now.... Zero Faith. Zero Hope. Zero Joy.

Ergo. I will fake it till I make it.

Trouble with blogging

Why is it so difficult to blog about myself? Well, I guess I don't find myself that interesting... I work the same retail job I have been working at for the last 5 years... and that's about it. No babies, no new jobs, no vacations to talk about, no health news, no new house, no project I'm working on. Its just me, my hubby, the in-laws, my makeup and nail polish. That's it. 

False Positive?

I can't even count the amount of pregnant tests I have taken over the last five years. Every time its the same as usual, not even a hint of pregnancy. Always negative. The reason why I have taken so many pregnancy tests is because my periods are irregulary.

 A few weeks ago I was shopping and saw some pregnancy test on clearance at Target. I thought to myself, ah... what the heck, why not? (Bad idea #1) I put them away in a drawer set aside just for home fertility tests, ovulation kits, and pregnancy tests. Everytime I put pregnancy tests in that drawer I go through a mental battle in my mind where I say, "now lisa, DONT TOUCH!"

Well a few days later, I had some light spotting and I thouht maybe.... this could be implantation bleeding?? So.... a day or so went by and I thought.... maybe I will take a pregnancy test (Bad Idea #2) So there I went, opened the package, read the directions ( not sure why I consistantly do that seeing I have read pregnancy test directions a HUNDRED times!) Well, as usual, I peed on that stick, put the purple cap back on and impatiently waited for the results..... and... well... after about 5 min... I was done. So I trashed it.

Later that day, around 12 midnight as I went to the restroom I peered into the trash to take a little gander at the pregnancy test, and...... A SMALL FAINT POSITIVE SIGN!!!!!! What?!? I freaked out! I grabbed Curtis and he had this dumbfounded look. I tried to explain that it could be true, but he being the stable one said, well, don't think too much about it, wait a few more weeks to find out. Well, its just that the directions on the test said it could take up to 10 min to get a result. I didn't wait 10 min. So ALLLLL night long I laid in bed thinking about the possibility that I might be pregnant.

Well, its been a week, two pregnancy tests later. Still Negative.

I really should go to the DR.