Infertility Struggle

I try to make sense of this.... I try to forget it... but this infertility still haunts me. I get upset when people talk adoption (of course I would adopt silly... we just wouldn't be able to afford it for years!) I hate it when people ask if I have gone to the Dr. (duh....) I want to punch you in the face when you say "when its the right time, babies will come" or "you just have to not think about it so much" I know that, and I honestly don't..... I do not time ovulation, I don't take my temp, I don't do everything possible to ensure hubby's healthy sperm, I don't plan sex, I just let things happen when they happen. The only time I ever dwell on the fact that I don't have children is Christmas, New Years, my birthday, my anniversary and when people close to me get pregnant. It really doesn't phase me much when people at work, or other "friends" (facebook friends) have babies.

I get really emotional when its family. Why? Well, I have never liked being left out of anything, and I feel left out... I mean seriously, Im the last married person in my family without kids of my own. This is a really overwhelming feeling for me when I go to family reunions or get-togethers because I feel I have nothing to offer. When you see family who have not seen in a while they are expecting some life changing update, new house, awesome career, babies.... etc. For me, every year, its the same.... Im married to the same man, and I work at the same job. Thats it. I mean, I could go into the amazing night Curtis and I had cuddling or the funny thing that happened at work. But honestly, no one cares about that. The women in the family don't know how to relate because they all feel awkward because I don't have kids, or they can't relate because they don't work my kind of job. And everyone else, doesn't know how to relate because their life is consumed with diapers and the cute things their babies do, while mine is deciding which Netflix documentry to watch, what to cook for dinner each night, and what "new" date night idea are Curtis and I going to try and come up with.

My heart aches when people have babies... why? Not because I am not happy for them, because I SO am, but because I envy their joy. I start to think of the way they feel when they hold their new little one for the first time and the love they feel inside..... I have no idea what that feels like, and to be quite honest, not sure if I ever will.

People who do not stuggle with infertility will never understand...

Every day Im trying to find Joy to fill the void in my life.... its still hard. I really wish sometimes women wouldn't make motherhood sound so amazing. I know their is crap, but seriously, Facbook and Pinterest has glorified motherhood to a point where I think its distorts what actually happens like the way Cosmo magazine does with the womens pic on the front cover.

Anyway, this is a very out of orer rant, but I am seriously heartbroken right now.

Saving Marriage

 My marriage is in a rough patch right now and I stumbled upon this video tonight. I think God is trying to speak to me since I am not going to Him.

50 lbs of Sadness

I have gained 50 lbs since I got married. I want to say that the first 6 months was happy weight. But all the rest... Sad weight. Since I have been married... from friends to family to co workers 50+ babies have been born. I figure I have gained 1 lb for every pregnancy announcement. Because each time this happens I feel sorry for myself, binge on junk food, decided... why exercise? And well... viola! Another pound heavier, another pound of sadness on my shoulders.... hips... thighs... face...

I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, and I know I am not being fair to anyone that has children. I painfully envy women who can get pregnant, and I want to scream at the next person that tells me "they'll come when they are ready, when its time..." That's the biggest amount of bulls#!* I have ever heard. If that's the case then why is there such a think as IVF, adoption, surrogacy? You think it was about timing for them? No, because time was there enemy they had to take control of their future.

I know I have been really negative lately, but I feel this is the only place I can, the only place I am allowed to be negative. I can't talk to anyone without being judged, or me judging myself for having nothing good to say.

This is my life right now.... Zero Faith. Zero Hope. Zero Joy.

Ergo. I will fake it till I make it.

Trouble with blogging

Why is it so difficult to blog about myself? Well, I guess I don't find myself that interesting... I work the same retail job I have been working at for the last 5 years... and that's about it. No babies, no new jobs, no vacations to talk about, no health news, no new house, no project I'm working on. Its just me, my hubby, the in-laws, my makeup and nail polish. That's it. 

False Positive?

I can't even count the amount of pregnant tests I have taken over the last five years. Every time its the same as usual, not even a hint of pregnancy. Always negative. The reason why I have taken so many pregnancy tests is because my periods are irregulary.

 A few weeks ago I was shopping and saw some pregnancy test on clearance at Target. I thought to myself, ah... what the heck, why not? (Bad idea #1) I put them away in a drawer set aside just for home fertility tests, ovulation kits, and pregnancy tests. Everytime I put pregnancy tests in that drawer I go through a mental battle in my mind where I say, "now lisa, DONT TOUCH!"

Well a few days later, I had some light spotting and I thouht maybe.... this could be implantation bleeding?? So.... a day or so went by and I thought.... maybe I will take a pregnancy test (Bad Idea #2) So there I went, opened the package, read the directions ( not sure why I consistantly do that seeing I have read pregnancy test directions a HUNDRED times!) Well, as usual, I peed on that stick, put the purple cap back on and impatiently waited for the results..... and... well... after about 5 min... I was done. So I trashed it.

Later that day, around 12 midnight as I went to the restroom I peered into the trash to take a little gander at the pregnancy test, and...... A SMALL FAINT POSITIVE SIGN!!!!!! What?!? I freaked out! I grabbed Curtis and he had this dumbfounded look. I tried to explain that it could be true, but he being the stable one said, well, don't think too much about it, wait a few more weeks to find out. Well, its just that the directions on the test said it could take up to 10 min to get a result. I didn't wait 10 min. So ALLLLL night long I laid in bed thinking about the possibility that I might be pregnant.

Well, its been a week, two pregnancy tests later. Still Negative.

I really should go to the DR.

Why not blessings for me?

I have been trying to understand Gods love, because right now, I don't feel very loved. The last nine months of my life have been torture. I keep asking myself, am I being punished? Everything has been going wrong and I am EXHAUSTED trying to keep up! What did I do?

For some reason I keep thinking I have to earns Gods blessings... like, if I pay my tithing, read my scriptures, go to church, keep in touch with my family, do good ALL THE TIME, then I will be blessed with the things I stand in need of.

All of that is crap! Why? Because everything I consider to be a blessing is given to people who did NOTHING to earn it!

Exhibit A. and I quote "Children are a blessing"
Then why are children given to abusive parents? Or teenagers with no sense of responsibility? Or to people that don't even want them, so they abort it? Did they EARN that blessing? No.

Exhibit B. another Quote "Having a stable job is such a BLESSING in this economy"
Then why are jobs given to people who ARE NOT qualified, or who just know someone who knows someone? Or to people that have been lazy every day but then one day decided, hey, I am going to get a job, and then, BAM, they get a job! They certainly did NOTHING to EARN that blessing.

So why do I keep being told I have to do MORE, because quite frankly, Im tired, and I don't think I can do more right now.

God help me understand.

5 years of Marriage

I would be lying if I said that marriage was easy. I am ABSOLUTELY telling the truth when I say that marriage is so much fun!

I just celebrated my 5 year Anniversary over the weekend and it was one of the best weekends ever. No we didn't spend a ton of money, we just spent 100% of our time and attention together. We stayed at a nice hotel, ate Sushi, went shopping, cuddled, snuggled and everything in between. We put so much effort into each other, it made this last weekend feel like a second honeymoon. After it was over it felt like we stepped into chapter two of our marriage.

I feel the winds of change coming, not sure from which direction but its coming and it will be a nice breeze. My husband and I are trying to move our lives forward.... you know.... House... baby.... that kinda stuff. As I plan for the future I can't help but remember the past. The past 5 years have been a roller-coaster ride. But its time for this ride to come to a complete stop and jump on some other ride.