Infertility Struggle

I try to make sense of this.... I try to forget it... but this infertility still haunts me. I get upset when people talk adoption (of course I would adopt silly... we just wouldn't be able to afford it for years!) I hate it when people ask if I have gone to the Dr. (duh....) I want to punch you in the face when you say "when its the right time, babies will come" or "you just have to not think about it so much" I know that, and I honestly don't..... I do not time ovulation, I don't take my temp, I don't do everything possible to ensure hubby's healthy sperm, I don't plan sex, I just let things happen when they happen. The only time I ever dwell on the fact that I don't have children is Christmas, New Years, my birthday, my anniversary and when people close to me get pregnant. It really doesn't phase me much when people at work, or other "friends" (facebook friends) have babies.

I get really emotional when its family. Why? Well, I have never liked being left out of anything, and I feel left out... I mean seriously, Im the last married person in my family without kids of my own. This is a really overwhelming feeling for me when I go to family reunions or get-togethers because I feel I have nothing to offer. When you see family who have not seen in a while they are expecting some life changing update, new house, awesome career, babies.... etc. For me, every year, its the same.... Im married to the same man, and I work at the same job. Thats it. I mean, I could go into the amazing night Curtis and I had cuddling or the funny thing that happened at work. But honestly, no one cares about that. The women in the family don't know how to relate because they all feel awkward because I don't have kids, or they can't relate because they don't work my kind of job. And everyone else, doesn't know how to relate because their life is consumed with diapers and the cute things their babies do, while mine is deciding which Netflix documentry to watch, what to cook for dinner each night, and what "new" date night idea are Curtis and I going to try and come up with.

My heart aches when people have babies... why? Not because I am not happy for them, because I SO am, but because I envy their joy. I start to think of the way they feel when they hold their new little one for the first time and the love they feel inside..... I have no idea what that feels like, and to be quite honest, not sure if I ever will.

People who do not stuggle with infertility will never understand...

Every day Im trying to find Joy to fill the void in my life.... its still hard. I really wish sometimes women wouldn't make motherhood sound so amazing. I know their is crap, but seriously, Facbook and Pinterest has glorified motherhood to a point where I think its distorts what actually happens like the way Cosmo magazine does with the womens pic on the front cover.

Anyway, this is a very out of orer rant, but I am seriously heartbroken right now.